


It Could Be You

by AdaptationDecay



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Book: Going Postal, Book: Making Money, Con Artists, F/M, Fanart, Gambling, Newspapers, Scrapbook Story, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 19:06:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/299069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdaptationDecay/pseuds/AdaptationDecay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Moist von Lipwig is taking on a new project, but this time his big idea is a load of balls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nullus_anxietas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nullus_anxietas/gifts).



  
"Would you like to engage the handy-to-use BluenoseTM Integrated Messenger Service?"  
"What does that do?" said Vimes with deep suspicion.  
"Er, basically, it means me running with a message to the nearest clacks tower really fast," said the imp hopefully.

 **Thud!**

 

 

From MVLIPWIG@CMAIL.AM to ABDEARHEART@CMAIL.AM 

 

What are you wearing?

 

My most unattractive dress. It's not making much difference.

 

Is your new assistant still trying it on?

 

Trying my dress on? No, he's not.

 

You know what I meant.

 

Relax, Slick. I can handle Casanunda.

 

You could always get rid of him...

 

Nonsense; he's good with the golems. Where are you anyway?

 

Waiting to see Vetinari.

 

You didn't tell me you had an appointment there today.

 

I didn't know I had one until the troll arrived from the palace just now.

 

In trouble again. What've you done this time?

 

Nothing!

 

Really?

 

Trust me. Are we still having dinner with your parents this evening?

 

Must we? They'll only go on about why we're putting off the wedding.

 

It's a fair question. Why ARE we putting off the wedding?

 

I'm much too busy at work. So are you.

 

Too busy to get married? Certainly not.

 

Between the bank, the mint, the post and the clacks, you're not busy?

 

I delegate. You should too.

 

I can't afford to pay Casanunda full time.

 

There must be an answer.

 

Well if you find another cache of cash lying around in a field somewhere, let me know.

 

Have to go now. S.W.A.L.K

 

I bet the imp in your Gooseberry loved that!

 

L.A.N.C.R.E

 

Perhaps later. If you're very good...

 

K.L.A.T.C.H

 

Pervert. x


	2. Chapter 2

  
"Look didn't you sign anything when you took over the job? A receipt or something?"  
"Well, maybe. There was a mass of paperwork. I just signed where I was told."

 **Making Money**

 

 

Contract of Employment (Draft)

Employer: The City of Ankh-Morpork  
Employee: Mr Moist von Lipwig

Your employment under this contract begins on 15 Grune, Year of the Pensive Hare. For the purposes of the Employment Rights Act (Year of the Notional Serpent) the date your previous employment started with The City of Ankh-Morpork is 03 Ick, Year of the Prawn.

The probationary period for this job runs from 15 Grune, Year of the Pensive Hare to 15 Sektober, Year of the Pensive Hare.

The job title will be Taxmaster. The person to whom you report is Lord Vetinari, Patrician.

You will be employed on a full time basis and will be expected to work 48 hours per week.

You will be required generally to work from 9am to 5pm on weekdays. You may be required to work on evenings or on Sundays and Octedays for which time off in lieu will be given as per the staff handbook.

 _Any chance we could amend this to additional hours being paid on an overtime basis?  
MvL_

 _Given that this would inevitably involve the employment of a full time clerk just to detect your abuses of the system, no.  
HV_

This position is exempt from the Working Time Regulations Act (Year of the Reversed Ptarmigan).

Your normal place of work will be The Treasury Building, Ankh Morpork. You may be required to travel on busines for The City of Ankh-Morpork within the wider Sto Plains region.

Your annual holiday entitlement, in addition to any public holidays is 24 days. Dates and duration of holidays must be arranged in advance with your line manager. Holiday allowance not taken cannot be rolled over to the following year and no payment will be made in lieu of untaken holidays. The holiday year runs from Offle to Ick.

 _Doesn't the holiday year usually run from April?  
MvL_

 _Usually, yes, but the last thing we need is for you to be trying to use up the last of your holiday allowance at the height of tax season.  
HV_

Remuneration will be by means of an annual salary of AM$780 paid monthly in arrears at the beginning of each calendar month and to be reviewed annually.

The City may deduct from your salary any sums owed by you to The City including, but not limited to outstanding loans, advances, overpayments, excess holiday and costs of execution.

 _Do we have to keep that last one in there? It makes me nervous.  
MvL_

 _Mr Spangler's debt now being discharged, I think we can probably strike the last item from this version of his contract, Drumknott.  
HV_

Petty cash shall be made available or you shall be reimbursed reasonable expenses properly incurred by you in the discharge of your duties upon production to The City of satisfactory evidence of expenditure.

 _Have Slant look at the language of this clause please, Drumknott. We don't want a repeat of the pigeon-coop incident.  
HV_

 _That was the sort of innocent mistake anybody might have made.  
MvL_

 _Nevertheless, the amended version of this clause should make it quite clear that any further attempts to defraud the city through fraudulent expenses claims will be dealt with by termination of both employment and employee.  
HV_

You may join The City's stakeholder pension scheme at any time. After 12 months service, if you have opted to contribute 2.5% of your basic salary, The City will contribute 2.5% of your basic salary.

 _Drumknott, can we ensure we're using the most up to date version of the employment contract template? I'm sure we stopped using the phrase 'stakeholder pension scheme' after that business with the League of Temperance.  
HV_

It the event of absence due to ill health, lasting longer than three days written confirmation of illness from a doctor, barber-surgeon or Igor will be required.

Following successful completion of your probationary period, The City may give you notice in writing to terminate your employment of not less than one week for the first year, plus one week for each additional year of service. If you wish to terminate your employment, you must give The City notice of not less than four weeks.

Your employment may be terminated without notice or payment in lieu of notice for reasons of bankruptcy; mental incapacity; enchantment; a court order preventing successful completion of your duties or gross misconduct including dishonesty; falsification of records; violent conduct; harrassment; deliberate damage to City property; attending work under the influence of illegal drugs, alcohol or Klatchian coffee; insubordination; negligence; actions likely to bring The City into disrepute; actions likely to bring the Dungeon Dimensions into The City, actions likely to summon a dragon; inappropriate use of the City's clacks facilities, disclosure of confidential information or providing misleading information on an application form.

 _Actions likely to SUMMON A DRAGON?  
MvL_

 _You never met Drumknott's predecessor, did you Mr Lipwig? Please, initial the changes on the final contract and sign on the dotted line. Mr Creaser will meet you tomorrow for your induction.  
HV_


	3. Chapter 3

  
"How old is Mr Creaser?"  
"The Taxmaster? In his seventies, sir."  
"Not a man with a flexible cast of mind, I feel. Holding somebody upside down over a bucket and giving them a good shaking is not the way forward. I won't blame him when he decides to take an honorable and well-earned retirement.  
"Yes, sir. When would you like him to decide that, sir?"

 **Making Money**

 

 

Clerk Jackson's notes from the handover meeting between Mr Creaser, The Taxmaster of Ankh Morpork (Outgoing) and Mr Lipwig, The Taxmaster of Ankh Morpork (Incoming).

Mr Creaser having previously opined that he had no intention of dealing with "that shiny suited bastard what's forcing me out", I attended to Mr Lipwig's induction myself, providing a full tour of the treasury including the offices, records library and torture chambers. As per the agenda, I apprised him of the current state of the city's finances, the existing protocol for tax gathering, the department's timetable, the various pathways open to us in making up the shortfall before year-end and his responsibilities within the department.

I am sorry to say that Mr Lipwig did not appear to be attending me. He made very few notes and spent most of his time doodling on a single sheet of paper. He interrupted me before I had reached AOB and excused himself saying he had an urgent appointment at Teemer and Spools printers, but did not vouchsafe the details of his business there to me. He asked me to visit the offices of The Times and let Miss Cripslock know that he would be grateful if she could find time in her schedule to visit him that afternoon for a chat, he also gave me an envelope addressed to his secretary at the Bank of Ankh-Morpork with instructions to see that it was delivered with the afternoon post. He then left in a great hurry.

I am reluctantly forced to admit that Mr Creaser's judgement of Mr Lipwig as being unsuited to the role of Taxmaster may be correct.


	4. Chapter 4

  
"Turn to page eight, will you?" said Vimes. Behind him the paper rustled again.  
"Well?" he said. "That's where they usually put their silly political cartoon, isn't it?"

**Thud!**

 

 

From The Ankh-Morpork Times - 16 Grune, Year of the Pensive Hare

CIVIC innovator and former confidence trickster Moist von Lipwig (27) has taken a sabbatical from his roles as Master of the Mint and Deputy Chairman of the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork in order take over the position of Taxmaster from the retiring incumbent Mr Wendenal Creaser (75). 

Mr Lipwig is introducing a raft of new initiatives which constitute the biggest shake-up in the Ankh-Morpork tax system since the abolition of tax farming under Mad Lord Snapcase. Chief among Lipwig's proposals for reform is the introduction of a city-wide lottery to generate funds for the collection of civic infrastructure projects known as “The Undertaking” without imposing an additional tax burden upon the populace. Tickets will be made available for sale to Ankh-Morpork citizens with an expected jackpot of as much as $2m with 10% of the proceeds being retained by the treasury. The move is being welcomed by the Guild of Merchants, but many religious leaders are critical of the scheme. Hughnon Ridcully, chief priest of Blind Io spoke exclusively to The Times saying "It’s not right for the Revenue to say they’re going to suddenly make some chappie a millionaire. It’s the job of the gods to giveth and the tax office to taketh away. That's how it’s always worked. This Lipwig fellow is making a mockery of the whole system."

The last large scale lottery to take place in Ankh-Morpork was during the patricianship of Olaf Quimby II, when widespread allegations of corruption against the operators led to a public enquiry and the eventual execution of four of the organisers for the theft of $204 (equivalent to $4,000 in today’s money.)

Moist von Lipwig addressed a delegation from the Guild of Gamblers earlier today to address concerns about the fair operation of the lottery.

“The tickets have been designed by Teemer & Spools using state-of-the-craft technomancy and the winning ticket will be inspected closely by experts to prevent forgery. Tickets will only be available from the Treasury itself and nobody employed by the Treasury or involved in the drawing of the numbered balls will be eligible to buy tickets or claim a prize. The draw itself will take place publicly in Sator Square to ensure fair play and will employ engineered random number indicating equipment designed by Leonard of Quirm. The device will need to be operated by a well-respected citizen of great probity and I intend to ask the Archchancellor of Unseen University if he will act in this capacity.”

Spokesman for the Gamblers' Guild, Doc Pseudopolis, expressed concerns about the odds involved in the lottery, where each player must select six numbered balls from a total of thirty six. The odds of selecting the correct numbers are one in one million nine hundred and forty seven thousand seven hundred and ninety two.

Criticisms have been levelled against the lottery on the grounds that it acts as a stealth tax on the poorer members of society. Lipwig responded by saying “I take great offence at that. Instituting a lottery rather than raising taxes across the board is a way to raise much needed funds for The Undertaking without anybody being forced to pay more than they can afford. While it’s true that the substantial jackpot available may be more tempting to those less fortunate, all participants will be rewarded by the warm glow of contributing to our city’s future and of course by the temporary purchase of that greatest of all treasures which is Hope.”

Lottery tickets are available from the offices of the Ankh-Morpork treasury building, priced at AM$1 each. The first draw will take place at noon on Octeday.


	5. Chapter 5

  
“It’s one of their own languages,” she said. “It’s all a bit... mystic. Said to be spoken by angels.”

 **Going Postal**

 

 

From ABDEARHEART@CMAIL.AM to MVLIPWIG@CMAIL.AM 

 

What are you up to?

 

What makes you think I’m up to something?

 

The golems are being secretive. Also, you’re awake.

 

Trust me. x


	6. Chapter 6

  
Thinking up good names was, oddly enough, one area where Leonard's genius tended to give up.

 **Jingo**

 

 

From The Ankh-Morpork Times - 23 Grune, Year of the Pensive Hare

OVER four million tickets were sold for yesterday’s lottery, by people hoping to become Ankh-Morpork’s newest millionaire. 

Ten percent of the money raised is being used to fund government infrastructure projects with the remainder being divided among the holders of the two winning tickets.

The first ticket was purchased by a syndicate from the The Dolly Sisters' Baking and Flower Circle. Hilda Rivers (62), Lillian Flatter (58) and Ivy Humble (66) each scooped more than half a million dollars after selecting the winning numbers based on the birth dates of their children and grandchildren. Mrs Rivers accepted the prize money on behalf of the syndicate and announced her intention to spend her share of the winnings on gifts for her family, a new home and a contribution to the Up Needles All fund. A fourth member of the syndicate, Doris Brewer, who did not submit her stake money in time to be included was said by Mrs Humble to be “as sick as a parrot.” 

The holder of the second winning ticket has opted for anonymity as is provided for under the rules of the lottery, but is believed to also be female and to be working as a secretary in the finance sector. A statement released through Taxmaster Moist von Lipwig states that the anonymous winner is "extremely pleased" and has "big plans for the money including a substantial donation to charity".


	7. Chapter 7

  
“We - That Is To Say, Mr Lipvig, All The Golems - We Wish Miss Dearheart Was A Happier Lady. She Has Had Much Trouble. She Is Looking For Someone With—’  
‘—a cigarette lighter?’ said Moist quickly. ‘Stop right there, Mr Pump, please! Cupids are these . . . little overweight kids in nappies, all right? Not big clay people.”

 **Going Postal**

 

 

From The Ankh-Morpork Times - 23 Grune, Year of the Pensive Hare

Contract of Employment  
Employer: The Golem Trust  
Employee: Count Giamo Casanunda

We are pleased to offer you the position of Assistant Manager on a full time basis. This post is offered on a fixed-term basis for three years in the first instance at a salary of AM$520 per annum.

A. B. Dearheart  
Manager


	8. Chapter 8

  
“But, my lord, they will know what you are thinking!”  
Vetinari patted him on the shoulder. “No, Leonard. They will merely know what is in my messages.”

 **The Fifth Elephant**

 

 

A clacks from The Patrician of Ankh-Morkpork to Moist von Lipwig in Genua. 

WITHDRAWAL OF AM$1947792 FROM PETTY CASH STRETCHING DEFINITION OF PETTY STOP

TECHNICALLY NOT BREACH OF CONTRACT AS REPAID BEFORE MONTH END BUT WE WILL DISCUSS FURTHER ON YOUR RETURN STOP

ENJOY YOUR HONEYMOON STOP


End file.
